Editing My Life

I'm not understanding why I'm so very tired. I have a job that is taxing, yes, but I'm more mentally exhausted than physically. Maybe it's having to keep alert 100% of the time. If I don't, I will miss something. Like when Virginia was in school last week and now she's a runaway. What did I miss...

Remember how catchy that old drug commercial was with the brain and the eggs and this is your brain on drugs? I just saw this era's iteration of that commercial. IT's a video of a kid sitting in a cafeteria and he's singing a song tha tgoes like this:

"Ba ba black sheep, have you any E
Yes sir, yes sir, first hit's free."

Wow, creepy, funny, and scary at the same time.

I'm going into a weird place... on the edge of complacency. I want to do "stuff" but I don't want to at the same time. I neeeeed more energy. I'm not totally wiped out, or anything, but my drive is so low right now.

the reason I work so hard the week before the kids get back (and I get tired and exhausted) is because I'm "training" for when they are finally here. Today was a good day, but VERY tiring. I always have a long, tiring day the first day of school. It's been that way ever since I was very young. I'd go to school, come home, and crash. That includes grades K-12, then college, and now when *I* go in the classroom and teach. I think it's all mental, but whatever the case, sure wipes me out. Now I only have 179 work days left before summer vacation.

Wow. I can't believe how exhausted I feel. I'm almost out of my mind. I blabber and blabber and really have nothing to say. I'm excited about what's going on, but I'm so tired that when I talk I sound like I'm on speed. People just get really quiet and eventually tell me they have to go for some reason or another. *sigh* People just don't understand what I'm going through. Not that it's rough, just a whole new world.

and it begins again...

"We can take mean things to heart when they're said by meanies, but only the people we love and respect can truly break our hearts. It's a hazard of loving."

People get mean. I mean, from the pits of their beings... they get mean. They think that things can be "fixed" by saying they're sorry. But when someone says things from that deep down place, it's permanant. You can try and white wash the stain of hate off you that they covered you with, but it's still there. Even old words that were said seem to come to the surface to commiserate with each other and validate the meanings. I don't care how damn hurt you are, watch what you say. The tounge is a weapon. The wound will never heal.

I don't want to see you hurt. Yet, it seems that I can't help but notice a pattern here. Perhaps *that's* where I get my stubbornness. I love you mom, but you're going to be losing much more than smokey clothing. I love you no matter what happens.

I'm having bad dreams again. I'm sweating my head off again. Too bad I can't lose weight this way! Is it stress? Is it a distraction? I'm having trouble swallowing again. That's stress, I know. I'm excited about the new school, yet not wanting to start it all again. I hope this public school gig will work out better. It has to, right? I gave up mom for this.